2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
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Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Not today. 😅
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move