If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
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8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
2 years later
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.