When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
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Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Gemma Correll
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
The asteroid..
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them