I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
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People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner