I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
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The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Siri, fight Alexa.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
me as a parent
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.