My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
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Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
I’ve been drinking.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
i baked you a cake
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Have a lovely day 😊
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.