Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
You Might Also Like
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
FRED: right
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*