Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
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I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
A woman drives into a bar.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!