Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
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Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Snapes on a plane.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!