Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
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[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
😂😂😂😂😂😂
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope