‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
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Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
the dark web is just a goth google.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.