The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
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Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
i- i did not expect this
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Travel bloggers during quarantine
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what