[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
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how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay