If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
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today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.