Oh thanks BBC.
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Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Best spoiler warning ever
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.