HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
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Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Dance like you’re not the father
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.