Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
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Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
This came to me in a dream.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
craving $300 all of a sudden
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating