IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
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”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Breaking news:
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
…..pretty much.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!