Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
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Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
We’ve come full circle
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce