Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
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I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH