I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
You Might Also Like
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain