trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
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As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.