why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
You Might Also Like
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.