Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
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1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?