It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
You Might Also Like
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen