Just why bro?!
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attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Every damn time
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
You can’t outrun your problems…
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Bike is short for Bichael.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.