guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
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Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.