[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
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me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…