ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
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You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me: