Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
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JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*