My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
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Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there