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Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?