friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
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Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Breaking news:
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G