I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
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I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.