Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
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just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”