I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
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*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.