The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
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If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.