Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
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I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Breaking news:
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!