There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
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8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
same bro
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
No, I don’t think I will.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
whenever i wake up before my alarm
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.