Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
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CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.