Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
You Might Also Like
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Always a metermaid never a meter
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem