Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
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EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*