I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
You Might Also Like
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Don’t touch that.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.