My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
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Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
those birds must be on payroll
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.