People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
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Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Guantanamo Bae
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
The funk soul brother
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit