The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
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I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.