When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
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imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don鈥檛 care if you don鈥檛 feel it, you need to try.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i鈥檓 wind chimes
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Lmaooo she has seen it all馃槶馃槶馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.