“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
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I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”