Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
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“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.