Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
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According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.